Ship of
              Fools
Humour

As a pharmacist, I start professionally.

A group of young men broke into a Chemist's shop yesterday and stole his entire stock of Viagra. Police are on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals. Anon.

Announcement From Brussels

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

 Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Light bulb changing joke, Christian-style

Q: How many agnostics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, since it is dark they can't be sure there's a light socket

Q How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
A "What's a light bulb?"

Q: How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better

Q: How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one provided the light bulb is prpared to make a bit of an effort as well.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.

Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole congregation needs to vote on it!

Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?????

Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!

Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. It is your perception that must be changed, not the bulb.

Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person
changing it is a woman!

Q: How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

Q: How many tv evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

Q: How many Exclusive Psalmodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. They do it unaccompanied

Q: How many Independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.

Q How many Independent Fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

Q: How many Irish Protestants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. That light bulb ha been there for generations and it would be a betrayal of the faith of our fathers to change it. No surrender!

Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many does the book of answers say?

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! It's society that has to be changed.

Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!

Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2010, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!

Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Mormon light bulbs are not changed. They are a restoration of the original light bulb through the electrician Joseph Smith.

Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least two, one teaching and one ruling. There must be a plurality and parity of light bulb changers.

Q: How many Reformed Evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb after a hundred others have held a study conference to findwhether Calvin, Owen, Whitefield or Spurgeon changed bulbs, how they did it and how we can do it in the same spirit today.

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They always use candles instead.

Q: How many Truly Reformed does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Light bulbs are not part of Truly Reformed worship. Scripture says nothing about light bulbs, so by the regulative principle they should not be used in worship..

Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Q How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your ligh bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulbtraditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long- life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

Q: How many worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One just to hold it in the socket and let the whole world revolve around him.

Q: How many youth ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Youth ministers are not around long enough for a bulb to burn out.

Q: How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest

 

Plus a few Philosophy Light-Bulb Jokes by Glenn Miller and Anon

How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two--one to bemoan the darkness until the other redefines something else as light.

How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-its a pseudo-problem... light bulbs give off light (hence the name)if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? (oh, where has rigor gone?!)

How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, there is only ONE monist...

How many deconstructionists does it take to change a light bulb?
On the contrary, the NILE is the longest river in Africa.

How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one (to aim the x-ray machine) but the bulb changes very, very slowly.

How many Creation Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred at all.

How many Sceptics does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, they won't do it--they have no sense of urgency about the situation--they aren't sure they're really in the dark...

How many theodicists does it take to change a light bulb?
100-one to change the bulb, and 99 to explain why an infinite God of love would allow darkness to occur in the world at all.

How many Epicureans does it take to change a light bulb?
None-they're too busy taking advantage of the darkness!

How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
None-the bulb is just at one dialectical pole between 'bright' and 'dark'--it will eventually synthesise these into at least some dim glow for us...

How many Cartesians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--unfortunately, when the bulb blew out, they were all so shocked that they stopped thinking for that brief moment--and 'poof', they all just blinked out of existence.

How many capitalistic exploiters of the working classes does it take to change a light bulb?None! That is the historically determined role of the proletariat!

One more, not philosophical,

How many tech-support people does it take to change a light-bulb?
Please continue to hold. Your call is very important to us.

 

 

PC PRIMER (from Canada but adapted by GJW)

Q: WHAT IS P.C.?

PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy
believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender,ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political Correctness is the only social
and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.

Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?

Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.

Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?

Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.

Q: WHY?

If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically
every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sports coats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.

Q: HOW?

It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what
you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.

Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?

That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.

Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?

Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you
can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega.. whoops separate all of your garbage
into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic,
etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag.

If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.

Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat.

Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!

Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!

Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?

No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like abortion. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?

The general rule is as follows:

IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVEABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.

Examine the following chart:

RIGHTS
NO RIGHTS
cows
cockroaches
cute bunnies
flies
dolphins in tuna
tuna in tuna nets
whales
sharks
red squirrels
grey squirrels
owls
loggers
seals
barnacles

 Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?

Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavour to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.

Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE
RIGHT. It's that simple. You are right.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?

Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something
insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The
guideline is as follows:

Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes - The liberal is right.
No - The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.

Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the trial of O J Simpson are really race issues.

Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!

Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC? 

It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority,by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.

Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?

The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.

Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.

Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about
people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the colour of their skin?

Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?

No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!

Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE?

No, there are none offered to white males however, if you are a women ... oops ...
womyn, there should be plenty.

Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?

For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.

Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?

Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should reemphasise non-western perspectives on history. Finally, we should restructure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.

Q: I DON'T GET IT.

Well, the way the system works now, "select" underrepresented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong.

Q: IT IS?

Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.

Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.

It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.

Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?

Humour. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any
comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial slur.

Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humour for decades. Not PC---it can be taken the wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-Caribbean." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for social equality.

Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?

Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon...

Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

PC LEXICON

"Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term"

ETHNICITY (PC people do not recognise the term, "race," as valid)

Black - African
(NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE SOUTH AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)

Oriental - Asian
(NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)

Indian - Native-American
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
Atlanta Braves
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Chiefs
Washington Redskins
AVOID THESE CITIES!!!)

Chicano - Hispanic
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC
Cisco Kid
Speedy Gonzales

White Trash - PC Unaware, Rustically Inclined

WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

GENDER
(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-English
Girl - Pre-Womyn
Housewife - Domestic Engineer
Fireman - Fire-fighter
Stewardess - Flight Attendant
Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Adjudicator
Post Man - Post Person
Mail Man - Person Person
Policeman - Law Enforcement Officer
Prostitute - Sex Surrogate
(Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
Mankind, Human - Earth Children

PEOPLE : SUBGROUPS

Handicapped - Physically Challenged, Differently Abled
Blind - Optically Darker, Photonically Non-receptive
Deaf - Visually Oriented
Poor - Economically Unprepared
Bum - Homeless Person, Displaced Homeowner, Arts Graduate
Hunter - Animal Assassin, Meat Mercenary, Bambi Butcher
Whaler - Blubber Lovers
Old Person / Elderly - 4th-Dimentionally Extended, Gerontologically Advanced
Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged
Bald - Comb-Free
Queer - Lesbian or Gay
Midget, Dwarf - Little People, Vertically Challenged
Convict - Socially Separated
Insane People - Selectively Perceptive, Mental Explorers
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Logger - Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, Tree slayer
Dead People -Biologically Challenged, Metaphysically Challenged

MISCELLANEOUS

Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
Senile - Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area, Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury
Cheating (in School) - Academic Dishonesty
Used Books - Recycled Books
Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang - Youth Group
Drunk - Spatially Perplexed
Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm, Charnel House
Obese - People of Mass,Gravitationally Challenged

 

The Generic Ethnic Joke

A person, belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms, met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms.

The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group. He proceeded to make a remark, which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group. Whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning. The first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion. But the other meaning of which, serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group.

The first person took offence at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way.

 

THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG...

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Editors Note: If it's a dogs life your leading... or you're working like a dog... I hope you are able to follow the above rules. Take a moment, take a breath and just enjoy being alive.

 

By way of contrast, here is one thing not to be learned from your dog.

 

A little boy went to stay the night with a friend and ate supper with their family. Before they ate, the boy bowed his head and waited for the blessing to be said. But everyone started helping themselves to the food and he looked back up, puzzled.

"What's wrong, why aren't you eating?" asked his friend's mom.

The boy, who had been taught to give thanks, asked, "Don't you pray at meals?"

The father said they didn't.

"Oh, I see," said the lad, "You're just like my dog- -you start right in!"

 

The Tooth Fairy

Dear ..............., :

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in. the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

Pre-Application Information:

This application will be considered incomplete and therefore rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, letters of acceptance to Oxford or Cambridge, and current medical report (from a reputable doctor).

PART 1:

NAME: ____________________________________

BIRTH DATE: _________________________

HEIGHT: _____________________

WEIGHT: ____________________

IQ: ______________ (Less than 90, crawl back to the rock you came out from under and DO NOT add to the gene pool.)

ANNUAL INCOME (mandatory): ___________________

NATIONAL INSURANCE: ________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #: ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK & MERIT BADGES: ____________________________

HOME ADDRESS: ________________________________________________

Do you have parents? _______________________________

If NO, explain (in ten words or less):

________________________________________________________________

If YES, number of years they have been married:

 

If they have been married less than your age, explain:

________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

PART 2:

Do you own a van? ____________

A truck with oversized tires? ____________

A waterbed? ____________

A pickup with a mattress in the back? ___________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, and/or bellybutton ring?

A tattoo? ___________

(IF YOU HAVE ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE-

-DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES.)

 

PART 3:

In 50 words or less - what does LATE mean to you?

________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less - what does MARRIAGE mean to you?

________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less - what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

________________________________________________________________

What church do you attend? _____________

How often? ___________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? ___________

Mother? ___________

Priest? ___________

Probation Officer? ______________

 

PART 4:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please feel free to answer all questions.

Answers given will be considered confidential.

A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

C. A woman's place is:

D. The two things I hope this application does not ask:

1)______________________________________________________________2)______________________________________________________________

E. When I first met your daughter, the one thing that I noticed first was:

________________________________________________________________(Note: IF answer E begins with T or A, discontinue application. Leave premises immediately. It is highly advised to keep your head down and zigzag.)

F. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

 

Part 5:

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ___________

(Note: IF multiple answers are given to the question above, discontinue application. Stay seated. There is a sawed-off pointed at your knees. There are probably several fathers looking for you right now!)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, AND ELECTROCUTION ADMINISTERED BY "WE-BREAK 'EM" INSURANCE BROKERS.

__________________________________________________

SIGNATURE (an "X" is not sufficient.)

Thank you for expressing interest in my daughter. Please allow 1-2 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.

Please do not try to call, write, or try to visit my daughter during this time (it would result in disqualification of your application and bodily harm visited upon you.) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by Louigi and Vinny of We-Break 'em Insurance Brokers. Have a nice day.

 

10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

 

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will assist you by amputating them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, fall down during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

 

Like me, you may have a list of things to be done when you get around to it. To help you, here is a a round tuit..... well, I nearly got a round tuit
not quite   oOO OOO OOO OOO OOo oOO oOO oOO OOo oOO THIS IS A TUIT OOo oOO ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OOo oOO OOo oOO OOo oOO At long last. We have sufficient quantity OOo oOO OOo oOO for you to have one of your own. Guard it with your OOo oOO OOo oOO life. These TUITS are hard to come by, especially the OOo oOO OOo oOO round ones. For years you've been saying " I'll do that OOo oOO OOo oOO as soon as I get a round tuit." Now that you have a OOo oOO OOo oOO ROUND TUIT of your own, many things that you OOo oOO OOo oOO meant to do just may get done ! OOo oOO OOo oOO So get tuit ! OOo oOO ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OOo oOO OOo oOO oOO oOO oOO oOO OOO OOO OOO OO
 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH:

10. Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.

8. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the £500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the teenage Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

. . . And the number one thing you probably never heard in Church:

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

 

 

What They Might Have Said

Messages that might have been found in my guest book

These fake quotes are based on the work of web humourist, Avishai Fusksman

 

Graham's homepage, is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Neil Armstrong

Graham's homepage - is the opium of the masses. Karl Marx

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand . I surf and I pay a huge phone bill. Confucius.

Sometimes a homepage is just a homepage. Sigmund Freud.

I HAVE A DREAM.... to have a great homepage like Graham's . Martin Luther King.

Graham, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Humphrey Bogart , Casablanca.

I'll make Graham an offer he can't refuse Marlon Brando.

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn about Graham's homepage Clark Gable.

Never in the field of internet, was so much owed by so many to one homepage builder
Winston S. Churchill (after visiting my homepage).

READ MY LIPS - no more homepages like this one- George Bush.

And so, my fellow net surfers, ask not what your homepage can do for you; ask what you can do for your homepage. John F. Kennedy

To bookmark this homepage or not to bookmark, that is the question William Shakespeare.

In this world, nothing is certain but death,taxes and lame homepages like this one. Benjamin Franklin.

I think therefore I am admiring Graham's homepage. Descartes

Having looked at your homepage I would like you to come up and see me sometime. Mae West

I came. I saw, I book marked. Julius Caesar

Like a dog walking on its hind legs, Graham's homepage is not done well but one is amazed to see it done at all. Samuel Johnson

If you can keep a straight face after visiting Graham's homepage, you are devoid of a sense of humour, my son. Rudyard Kipling

I had nothing to declare but my genius, but that was before I visited Graham's homepage. Oscar Wilde

These homepages are not for turning. Margaret Thatcher

We are amused. Queen Victoria after visiting my homepage


The Fourth Monkey

Clinton's New Presidential Seal

Semper Erectus

The President of the United States
The Missing Link?

 

 

NO UPGRADES NEEDED

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0. I am writing because I can find no documentation on several features. For example, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all my other programs and launches during system initialisation. It then monitors all other system activity. Applications such as RunAnywhere 10.3 and StayOut 2.5 cause freezes, and the new program has also spawned a couple unexpected child processes that have taken up a lot of space and resources. I had thought about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but there is no "revert to previous state" feature. Can you help me?

On my knees,

J. Lewis

---

Dear J. Lewis:

This is a very common problem brought to us by our male users, but is mostly due to a fundamental misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Not so!

Wife 1.0 is actually an entire OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING! DO NOT try to: uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0 can be disastrous, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. There is no backdoor. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the problems persist, or even tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. Inevitably, a system conflict occurs, often leading to a non-recoverable system crash. We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters.

We also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the apologise button, and then the reset button, AS SOON AS lockup occurs. The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time. It is also possible to free up CPU time, but be sure that several of your search and scan routines will be stopped.

Because of the unique system each copy runs on, no one manual will cover all enabled features, hence the lack of precise documentation. New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for several years before installing a copy yourself. You might also consider joining one of our local users groups to discuss your specific configuration. Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can benefit your system to its maximum potential. Killer apps Contentment 2.5 and Reliability 6.12a have been known to max out when run with TLC 2 and Communicator 5.0.

There are no plans for upgrades. Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.

Sincerely,

The Development Team


The Balnced Earth

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds

"Look Michael, look what I've made", said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth: "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said: "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed: "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

To which God replied: "Wait until you see the plonkers I'm putting next to them in France."

 

Food Creation

 

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"

And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained ten pounds.

And God created heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained ten pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God created running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God created the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into potato chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil brought forth sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.

God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil brought forth light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and, upon returning, asked Man: "Do I look fat?" And the Man told the truth. And the Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And the Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God created Weight-Watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments.

And Man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from man in the property settlement. It didn't help her either.

Bon Apetit!


Of Governments and Cows

 

Biblical Capitalism: You have two cows. You take care of them and sell the extra milk.

Feudalism: Your lord lends you two cows. He takes most of the milk and leaves you some.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them nto a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the governmenttook from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you to take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and shoots you.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes them both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors vote for someoneto tell you who gets the milk.

American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government shoots your cows and all your healthy animals too but pays generous compensation taken from the taxpayers'pockets..

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Your neighbors riot and kill you for tryingto sell the milk.

Libertarian/Anarcho-Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Clintonomics: You have two cows. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Counter-Culture: Wow, dude, there ís like... These two cows, man. You got tohave some of this milk.


INTRODUCING TOBACCO TO CIVILISATION by Bob Newhart

Milestones are never really recognised right away... it takes fifty or sixty years before people realise what an achievement it is. Take for instance...tobacco, it was discovered by Sir Walter Raleigh... and he sent it over to England from the colonies. It seems to me, the uses of tobacco aren't obvious right off the bat... and I imagine a phone conversation between Sir Walter Raleigh and the head of the 'West Indies Company' in England, explaining about this shipment of tobacco... would go something like this...

Yeh?... who is it, Frank?...
Sir Walter Raleigh?...
Yeh?... yeh, put him on, will you!
Hey, Harry... you wanna pick up the extension?... yeh!... it's nutty Walter again!
Hi, Walter baby... how are you, guy?... How's everything going?...
Oh, things are fine here, Walt!
Did we get the what?... Oh!, the boat load of turkeys... yeh! they arrived fine Walt... as a matter of fact they're still here, they're wonderin' all over London... well, y'see, that's an American holiday, Walt!!!
What you got for us this time, Walt... you got another winner for us?
Tob-acco... er, what's tob-acco, Walt?
It's a kind of leaf, huh?... and you bought eighty tonnes of it?!!
Let me get this straight, Walt... you've bought eighty tonnes of leaves?
This may come as a kind of a surprise to you Walt but... come fall in England, we're kinda up to our...
It isn't that kind of leaf, huh?...
Oh!, what kind is it then... some special kind of food?...
Not exactly?... Oh, it has a lot of different uses...
Like... what are some of the uses, Walt?
Are you saying 'snuff', Walt?...What's snuff?...
You take a pinch of tobacco... (ha ha ha)... and you shove it up your nose... (ha ha ha)... and it makes you sneeze?... (ha ha ha)... Yeh, I imagine it would, Walt!
Hey, Goldenrod seems to do it pretty well over here!
It has other uses though, huh?...
You can chew it!...
Or put it in a pipe!...
Or you can shred it up... and put it in a piece of paper... (ha ha ha)...and roll it up... (ha ha ha)... don't tell me, Walt, don't tell me... (ha ha ha)... you stick it in your ear, right? (ha ha ha)...
Oh!... between your lips!...
Then what do you do, Walt?... (ha ha ha)...
You set fire to it!... (ha ha ha)
Then what do you do, Walt?... (ha ha ha)
You inhale the smoke, huh!... (ha ha ha)
You know, Walt... it seems you can stand in front of your own fireplace and have the same thing going for you!...
You see, Walt... we've been a little worried about you, y'know... ever since you put your cape down over that mud. See, Walt... I think you're gonna have rather a tough time selling people on sticking burning leaves in their mouthes...
It's going very big over there, is it?...
What's the matter, Walt?...You spilt your what?...
Your coff-ee?...What's coffee, Walt?...
That's a drink you make out of beans, huh?... (ha ha ha)... that's going over very big there, too, is it?...
A lot of people have a cup of coffe right after their first cigarette in themorning, huh?... Is that what you call the burning leaves, Walt?... cigarettes?...
I tell you what, Walt!... why don't you send us a boatload of those beans, too!
If you can talk people into putting those burning leaves in their mouthes... they've gotta go for those beans, Walt!... right?
Listen, Walt... Don't call us... we'll call you!...G'bye!


 

The guy's s side of the story!

 

I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side!

 

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Pom Victoire

 


Church bulletins

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

 

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

 

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

 

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

 

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

 

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

 

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

 

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

 

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm - prayer and medication to follow.

 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church.Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."


Home Page
Me and my lists| Family History| Family photos|
Christian Faith | |Pictures from Church History|Humour |
Quotes Index of Topics| quotes A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W Z
Quotes by Author index| Authors A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W XYZ
Quotes of the week| these_you_have_sought_on_alt quotations|
Favorite Links

Graham Weeks

Last Modified: 3/7/05