Graham's homepage, is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Neil Armstrong
Graham's homepage - is the opium of the masses. Karl Marx
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand . I surf and I pay a huge phone bill. Confucius.
Sometimes a homepage is just a homepage. Sigmund Freud.
I HAVE A DREAM.... to have a great homepage like Graham's . Martin Luther King.
Graham, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Humphrey Bogart , Casablanca.
I'll make Graham an offer he can't refuse Marlon Brando.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn about Graham's homepage Clark Gable.
Never in the field of internet, was so much owed by so
many to one homepage builder
READ MY LIPS - no more homepages like this one- George Bush.
And so, my fellow net surfers, ask not what your homepage can do for you; ask what you can do for your homepage. John F. Kennedy
To bookmark this homepage or not to bookmark, that is the question William Shakespeare.
In this world, nothing is certain but death,taxes and lame homepages like this one. Benjamin Franklin.
I think therefore I am admiring Graham's homepage. Descartes
Having looked at your homepage I would like you to come up and see me sometime. Mae West
I came. I saw, I book marked. Julius Caesar
Like a dog walking on its hind legs, Graham's homepage is not done well but one is amazed to see it done at all. Samuel Johnson
If you can keep a straight face after visiting Graham's homepage, you are devoid of a sense of humour, my son. Rudyard Kipling
I had nothing to declare but my genius, but that was before I visited Graham's homepage. Oscar Wilde
These homepages are not for turning. Margaret Thatcher
We are amused. Queen Victoria after visiting my homepage
The Fourth Monkey
Clinton's New Presidential Seal
NO UPGRADES NEEDED
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0. I am writing because I can find no documentation on several features. For example, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all my other programs and launches during system initialisation. It then monitors all other system activity. Applications such as RunAnywhere 10.3 and StayOut 2.5 cause freezes, and the new program has also spawned a couple unexpected child processes that have taken up a lot of space and resources. I had thought about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but there is no "revert to previous state" feature. Can you help me?
On my knees,
Dear J. Lewis:
This is a very common problem brought to us by our male users, but is mostly due to a fundamental misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Not so!
Wife 1.0 is actually an entire OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING! DO NOT try to: uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0 can be disastrous, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. There is no backdoor. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the problems persist, or even tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. Inevitably, a system conflict occurs, often leading to a non-recoverable system crash. We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters.
We also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the apologise button, and then the reset button, AS SOON AS lockup occurs. The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time. It is also possible to free up CPU time, but be sure that several of your search and scan routines will be stopped.
Because of the unique system each copy runs on, no one manual will cover all enabled features, hence the lack of precise documentation. New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for several years before installing a copy yourself. You might also consider joining one of our local users groups to discuss your specific configuration. Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can benefit your system to its maximum potential. Killer apps Contentment 2.5 and Reliability 6.12a have been known to max out when run with TLC 2 and Communicator 5.0.
There are no plans for upgrades. Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.
The Development Team
The Balnced Earth
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds
"Look Michael, look what I've made", said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth: "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said: "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed: "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
To which God replied: "Wait until you see the plonkers I'm putting next to them in France."
God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"
And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained five pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.
And Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained ten pounds.
And God created heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained ten pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God created running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God created the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into potato chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil brought forth sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil brought forth light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and, upon returning, asked Man: "Do I look fat?" And the Man told the truth. And the Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And the Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God created Weight-Watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments.
And Man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from man in the property settlement. It didn't help her either.
Of Governments and Cows
Biblical Capitalism: You have two cows. You take care of them and sell the extra milk.
Feudalism: Your lord lends you two cows. He takes most of the milk and leaves you some.
Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them nto a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the governmenttook from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you to take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and shoots you.
Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes them both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors vote for someoneto tell you who gets the milk.
American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."
British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government shoots your cows and all your healthy animals too but pays generous compensation taken from the taxpayers'pockets..
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Your neighbors riot and kill you for tryingto sell the milk.
Libertarian/Anarcho-Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Clintonomics: You have two cows. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Counter-Culture: Wow, dude, there ís like... These two cows, man. You got tohave some of this milk.
INTRODUCING TOBACCO TO CIVILISATION by Bob Newhart
Milestones are never really recognised right away... it takes fifty or sixty years before people realise what an achievement it is. Take for instance...tobacco, it was discovered by Sir Walter Raleigh... and he sent it over to England from the colonies. It seems to me, the uses of tobacco aren't obvious right off the bat... and I imagine a phone conversation between Sir Walter Raleigh and the head of the 'West Indies Company' in England, explaining about this shipment of tobacco... would go something like this...
Yeh?... who is it, Frank?...
Sir Walter Raleigh?...
Yeh?... yeh, put him on, will you!
Hey, Harry... you wanna pick up the extension?... yeh!... it's nutty Walter again!
Hi, Walter baby... how are you, guy?... How's everything going?...
Oh, things are fine here, Walt!
Did we get the what?... Oh!, the boat load of turkeys... yeh! they arrived fine Walt... as a matter of fact they're still here, they're wonderin' all over London... well, y'see, that's an American holiday, Walt!!!
What you got for us this time, Walt... you got another winner for us?
Tob-acco... er, what's tob-acco, Walt?
It's a kind of leaf, huh?... and you bought eighty tonnes of it?!!
Let me get this straight, Walt... you've bought eighty tonnes of leaves?
This may come as a kind of a surprise to you Walt but... come fall in England, we're kinda up to our...
It isn't that kind of leaf, huh?...
Oh!, what kind is it then... some special kind of food?...
Not exactly?... Oh, it has a lot of different uses...
Like... what are some of the uses, Walt?
Are you saying 'snuff', Walt?...What's snuff?...
You take a pinch of tobacco... (ha ha ha)... and you shove it up your nose... (ha ha ha)... and it makes you sneeze?... (ha ha ha)... Yeh, I imagine it would, Walt!
Hey, Goldenrod seems to do it pretty well over here!
It has other uses though, huh?...
You can chew it!...
Or put it in a pipe!...
Or you can shred it up... and put it in a piece of paper... (ha ha ha)...and roll it up... (ha ha ha)... don't tell me, Walt, don't tell me... (ha ha ha)... you stick it in your ear, right? (ha ha ha)...
Oh!... between your lips!...
Then what do you do, Walt?... (ha ha ha)...
You set fire to it!... (ha ha ha)
Then what do you do, Walt?... (ha ha ha)
You inhale the smoke, huh!... (ha ha ha)
You know, Walt... it seems you can stand in front of your own fireplace and have the same thing going for you!...
You see, Walt... we've been a little worried about you, y'know... ever since you put your cape down over that mud. See, Walt... I think you're gonna have rather a tough time selling people on sticking burning leaves in their mouthes...
It's going very big over there, is it?...
What's the matter, Walt?...You spilt your what?...
Your coff-ee?...What's coffee, Walt?...
That's a drink you make out of beans, huh?... (ha ha ha)... that's going over very big there, too, is it?...
A lot of people have a cup of coffe right after their first cigarette in themorning, huh?... Is that what you call the burning leaves, Walt?... cigarettes?...
I tell you what, Walt!... why don't you send us a boatload of those beans, too!
If you can talk people into putting those burning leaves in their mouthes... they've gotta go for those beans, Walt!... right?
Listen, Walt... Don't call us... we'll call you!...G'bye!
I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side!
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church.Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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Last Modified: 3/7/05